Dec 10, 11:18 PM (ET)
By Kelly Bartram (NWon)

Benson, Ariz. (NWon) - Times are tough in Nassau West ... everyone knows that. But imagine that you are the President of the Federal Republic of Nassau West, you live in an Outpost (as opposed to the Capitol or even an Embassy), and you wake up to 54°F. That's tough.

The Republic is presently on the verge of losing it's Benson Outpost to foreclosure, thank you very much Wells Fargo Bank, N.A. During the past year, with all the financial chaos going on, Wells Fargo Bank, or various branches thereof have come to own nearly ALL of Nassau West's debt, secured AND unsecured.

Nassau West has run for years with no official Secretary of the Treasury, and it shows. Nassau West President Kelly K. Bartram has been the interim Treasury Secretary in the absence of a qualified individual to run the financial sector of the government.

As bad as things have become, the Outpost staff has tried to remain positive. Last Friday night (Dec. 6), the staff attempted to do the annual lighting of the furnace. The pilot, in unprecedented fashion, lit the very first time. However, the furnace has not turned on so far, and the facility continues to get colder and colder.

This morning when President Bartram and Nassau West Marshal Ivan "the Terrible" awoke, the facility temperature was 54°F! Bartram had this to say, "I woke up and had the break the ice crystals apart on my comforter! I turned the shower on HOT! I let it run for a few minutes before getting in and enjoying about a twenty minute shower. Generally, I get in, get wet, get clean and get out. However, this time was different. I think I spent the first ten minutes or so just getting thawed out! That very well may have been one of the finest showers I've ever taken!"

After listening to the President whine all day, the Nassau West Military Service (NWMS) decided to protect their Commander-in-Chief from frostbite and pneumonia. This evening, President Bartram was presented with a portable space heater from the NWMS. Currently, the President is sitting in a room that is 75°F.

Unfortunately, this space heater is a far cry from the facility's furnace, but it will do until the furnace can be diagnosed, repaired or replaced. Of course, under the current financial situation, none of the previously mentioned are likely to occur any time soon. So, for the time being, Bartram and his cat, Ivan "the Terrible" are relegated the master suite (and master bathroom).

Asked about the donation, Bartram said, "Well, obviously, this situation sucks. However, as my humbling process continues, apparently with no end in sight, I will look at the good of the situation. At the very least, Ivan and I will not become popsicles or the like. As much as I wish my furnace worked, which it should, it doesn't, but this space heater does ... and quite well, I might add. I'd like to thank them for it, it's greatly appreciated!"

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